“I hate the way I look” your child mutters turning away from the mirror in anger.

Or perhaps, “everyone is smarter than me” or “I’m no good at sports” or “I just can’t do anything right!”

The list goes on, and for children with low self-esteem, it’s a long one.

You try explaining to your child why they are wrong, you point out other people’s failings (after all, no one is perfect), you comfort them and help them find ways of improving, you even talk to their teachers… but nothing seems to help.

Your child’s confidence is in the pits and you don’t know what else to do.

It’s a heart-breaking situation for any parent and an incredibly disempowering one for your child.

Fortunately, it’s not an insurmountable one.

There are five powerful ways that you can help boost your child’s confidence and you can find them on Purpose Fairy where I am thrilled to be a guest blogger this week!

I’d love for you to stop by and check them out.

Want more ideas on raising intelligent, creative and empowered tots? Sign up for some smart parenting tips.

About the Author: Karla Valenti is a writer, blogger, founder and CEO of NiSoSa, and Creative Director for Rock Thoughts. Get more on Facebook, Twitter, G+, or Pinterest.

© Tot Thoughts – smart parenting for smart child development

The post 5 Powerful Ways to Boost Your Child’s Self-Esteem appeared first on Tot Thoughts.

It is said that “success puts an end to fear and uncertainty.”

But it doesn’t.

Nothing puts an end to it because “success” is not an end game, there is always something more to which we can aspire.

And with that more comes the uncertainty of not knowing whether we’ll actually achieve it.

Unfortunately, the best we can hope for is to master our uncertainty, and a great Copyblogger article on entrepreneurial uncertainty provides just the way to do it.

But why does this matter to you as a parent?

Because parenting is also not an end game and it is riddled with uncertainty.

• Are we doing the right thing as parents?
• Have we made mistakes, and how will this impact our child’s development?
• Did we miss out on reading/hearing something important to our child’s well-being?

And then you see those parents who seem too have it all together.

They know how to manage temper tantrums before they turn into grocery store debacles.

They can smile quietly at you from park benches because their children are not the ones throwing sand at other children.

They are the ones who have managed to get their children to prefer dried seaweed over toxic orange Cheetos.

And you can’t help but wonder how far behind those children your kids will be in life because of the countless hours of video games that you let your children play.

It’s easy to think that those parents have “succeeded,” that they don’t worry about what their kids do or say or eat, that they have no fears about their children’s future.

But that’s not true.

Those parents freak out too because raising a child is no sure business and it’s impossible to know what challenges lie ahead for any of us.

That means that even those great parents live with uncertainty.

And that uncertainty never goes away.

The difference between the great parents and those who struggle is that great parents don’t fear uncertainty, they master it.

And you can too.

Borrowing from the Copyblogger article, here are five ways that great parents master uncertainty:

1. great parents embrace uncertainty

Uncertainty deals with the realm of what we do not know.

Which is to say, almost everything when it comes to our role as parents.

And the vastness of that uncertainty can be overwhelming.

Even for great parents.

The difference is that great parents are nevertheless willing to venture into the realm of uncertainty.

Why?

Because it pushes them to grow as a person and as a parent.

You see, great parents are willing to make mistakes.

They are willing to look like fools in front of other parents.

They are willing to put up with public displays of anger or affection.

They are willing to hear everyone from experts to strangers tell them how they are wrong in their parenting.

And they’re willing to do this for years, not knowing whether they are even making the right choices.

They do this knowing full well that it represents a life wrought with mortification and heartbreak.

But they do it anyway.

Why?

Because great parents know that this uncertainty is a small price to pay for the extraordinary opportunity to shape a human life.

2. great parents uncouple fear from uncertainty

Fear is simply our reaction to uncertainty.

Think about all the things that keep you up at night.

When you look closely, you realize that they are all based, not on fear, but on uncertainty.

For instance:

• Your fear that your child has low self-esteem is an uncertainty about whether you have instilled them with a positive sense of self.
• Your fear that your child is being bullied is an uncertainty about whether your child is empowered to take care of themselves.
• Your fear that your child is not excelling at school is an uncertainty about whether your child is bright and capable.

Our fears are based not on what we know (i.e. your child has low self-esteem, is being bullied, is failing) but on what we think might happen (i.e. they won’t be able to thrive or take care of themselves).

That’s a big difference and it’s important to understand it. Because even though uncertainty begets fear, it is not the same thing.

Fear is an often-times paralyzing emotion, uncertainty is doubt about specific events that may happen and can be addressed.

Great parents experience uncertainty, they just don’t let it cripple them in fear.

3. great parents acknowledge fear and what it is trying to tell you

Fear itself is not a bad thing. It’s actually a warning, giving you a heads-up about something that might happen.

That doesn’t mean it will happen.

Great parents understand this and use fear as an indicator of things they need to focus on:

• Your fear that your child has low self-esteem means you should focus on helping your child develop a positive sense of self.
• Your fear that your child is being bullied means that you should focus on empowering your child.
• Your fear that your child is falling behind in school means that you should focus on finding strategies that work for your child.

4. great parents do something

Uncertainty when not managed properly can be crippling, and our tendency is to wait and see what unfolds.

When we take that approach, what is most likely to unfold is precisely whatever we feared.

Because remember that fear is a warning about something that might happen. When we ignore that warning, we make it that much easier for something to actually happen.

So, the best way to counter fear is simply to act, to do something – anything.

In fact, this is how fear can push us to grow, by forcing us to move beyond our uncertainty and do something productive about it.

Great parents turn fear into an opportunity to solve problems:

• Your fear that your child has low self-esteem forces you to talk to your child about their fears and uncertainties, to empower them to move beyond their uncertainties, and give them courage to believe in themselves.
• Your fear that your child is being bullied forces you to talk to your child about how they handle bullies and the different strategies they can use to stand up against others.
• Your fear that your child is falling behind in school forces you to understand your child’s particular learning style and identify strategies that work for your child.

 5. great parents are brave

We tend to think that brave people have no fear.

But that’s not the case at all.

They have fear, they just don’t let the fear stop them.

You see, being brave is about hope.

It’s about moving forward in the face of uncertainty, riding the hope that you will surface on the other side better for having been on this journey.

Great parents have fear and uncertainty, but they also have hope.

They know that they will make mistakes.

They know that they will have regrets.

They know that they will suffer great heartbreak.

But that doesn’t stop them from having hope.

Because here’s the most important thing that great parents know.

That moment when you first laid eyes on your child, when the whole world came tumbling down around you and all that was left was you holding this tiny miracle, that moment was the birth of  your greatest hope.

It’s not the hope that you would be a good parent (or even a great parent).

Or the hope that your child would be beautiful, or safe, or strong, or powerful, or even well-liked.

No.

That greatest hope that you’ve had burning inside you from the first moment you became a parent is simply that your child will realize the gift that they are, and simply strive to be the best that they can be.

That single hope is what pushes great parents onward despite the fear and uncertainty that they live with.

And you know this.

Because you are a great parent.

You know what you are fighting for and you know that it’s a small price to pay.

So, you’re not a perfect parent.

And you do not have a perfect child.

But this child is fiercely yours and that is a truly extraordinary gift.

Don’t let your fear and uncertainty prevent you from realizing that.

* (image courtesy of Christine).

Want more ideas on raising intelligent, creative and empowered tots? Sign up for some smart parenting tips.

About the Author:  Karla Valenti is a writer, blogger, founder and CEO of NiSoSa, and Creative Director for Rock Thoughts. Get more on Facebook, Twitter, G+, or Pinterest.

© Tot Thoughts – smart parenting for smart child development

The post The Secret that Great Parents Know about Dealing with Fear and Uncertainty appeared first on Tot Thoughts.

Let me start with a little story.

A while back, the Negotiator had an opportunity to run a zip line through a forest. The zip line was easily 100 feet off the ground and ran a loop through seven landing platforms. Awesome, right?

He was nervous, but also really excited at the adventure of zipping through the trees… until we reached the top of the hill where the zip line launched and he saw how high we actually were and how fast the others were going.

(I’ll admit, I was a bit nervous myself; however, recognizing the importance of letting our children engage in dangerous play, I wanted to encourage him to try it out.)

We climbed up to the top platform and had one of the guides walk him through the process, explaining the harness, the hook-up, the launch, etc., so that the Negotiator could see how the whole thing worked.

The Negotiator was still on the fence so the guide strapped himself in to a harness and zipped from one platform to the other to show the Negotiator how easy it all was.

And as soon as the guide took off, the Negotiator started crying.

Here’s the thing, the Negotiator was pretty nervous about the whole thing. But he wasn’t crying because he was afraid.

The Negotiator was crying because he was disappointed in himself.

He realized that, for all that effort, he was unable to control his fear and that this fear was preventing him from doing something he desperately wanted to do. (I know this because that’s pretty much what he told us).

We tried helping him work through this feeling and “be brave” but he simply walked away, the disappointment heavy on his small seven-year old shoulders.

As I watched this sad little boy make his way down the hill, it occurred to me that he had actually been brave, perhaps not brave enough to run the zip line but nevertheless brave for having made the effort, and that counted for something.

How Fear Limits Us

Fear is an emotion caused by a perceived danger (which may or may not actually be real). It is a mechanism that our body uses to protect us.

When we are afraid, we are more cautious and that keeps us safe by driving us towards what we know and recognize and away from what is new or unfamiliar.

Unfortunately, that is also how our fear limits us, because in our cautiousness, we do not go beyond the boundaries of what we already know.

Now, what distinguishes those who are crippled by their fear from those who move past it, is that the latter do not view their boundaries as static, but rather as a temporary stage they can overcome.

And they do so with bravery.

Bravery is a quality that we draw upon that enables us to push back on that fear (as if we are persuading our mind to disregard the fear mechanism).

This quality is not something that we turn on and off (i.e. you are either brave or not), but rather a state that we experience to varying degrees depending on the circumstances.

Thus, we may be brave enough to do some things at a given moment in time, but not others. That doesn’t mean we lack courage overall, just that we haven’t amassed enough courage to overcome our fear over that particular event.

But, we can overcome it if we learn how to collect bravery.

Pebbles of Bravery

Most acts requires a certain amount of bravery.

Think about it this way: before you start any given activity, you need to cash in a specific amount of bravery. It’s like paying for the activity.

An easy activity will require a small bundle of bravery, running a zip line through a forest may require a bucket-full.

When children say they are too afraid to do something, what they actually mean is that they don’t have the full stash of bravery that they need for that activity at that time.

That doesn’t mean they never will.

The key is to think of bravery as something we collect over time and what they need to do is simply collect enough bravery to fill their bucket.

How do we collect bravery?

Anytime we  confront a fear, no matter how big or small, we collect an act of bravery.

These acts are like pebbles that we deposit into our bucket of bravery.

When your child overcomes a little fears, they collect a little (but no less important) pebbles. When they overcome a big fear, they collect a big pebble.

Over time, they will have amassed a stash of bravery that they can cash in for a new adventure, which will then become a new pebble of bravery for an even greater adventure… and so on and so forth.

Now, this technique works for one important reason.

Children want to be brave, they want to do new and exciting things. But, when their fear overwhelms them, they feel that those new and exciting things are forever out of their reach.

What makes this technique effective is that you are giving your child hope, hope that they will be able to achieve what they so long for.

And hope is the single most effective way to overcome fear.

Now, back to our story.

On that platform, facing the vast jungle before him, the Negotiator simply didn’t have enough pebbles in his bravery bucket for this adventure he so wanted to do. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t collect a pebble of bravery.

He climbed up to that platform, he listened to the guide and asked questions, he watched that ride, all with his heart pounding in his ears. And he faced that fear until the very end.

This was actually a great act of bravery for him, and one that earned him another pebble.

What mattered was for him to see, not the defeat of having been overcome by fear, but the hope of eventually having the courage to zip off into a new adventure.

So, help your child overcome their fears –> think of a recent incident when they were afraid to try something new and see if you can revisit this event with them, focusing on the pebble of bravery that they collected. Also, the next time your child expresses fear about something, help them visualize their stash of bravery and either “draw” upon it or add to it with smaller acts of bravery.

* (image courtesy of Samuel Landete).

Want more ideas on raising intelligent, creative and empowered tots? Sign up for some smart parenting tips.

About the Author:  Karla Valenti is a writer, blogger, founder and CEO of NiSoSa, and Creative Director for Rock Thoughts. Get more on Facebook, Twitter, G+, or Pinterest.

© Tot Thoughts – smart parenting for smart child development

The post The Single Most Effective Way to Help Children Overcome Fear appeared first on Tot Thoughts.

Your heart is pounding in the dark, your hands are clammy, and your mind is reeling with the near-miss your child had today.

You know that feeling… when you’re up all night worried about something your child did or said, endlessly replaying something that happened (or almost happened), wondering what might have been the outcome had you not been there.  

Well, I have some bad news for you: this struggle for your child’s safety is a life-long pursuit, the only thing that will change are the perceived “dangers.” And what’s more, you won’t always be there to prevent them.

Fortunately, I also have some good news for you!

You may not always be there to ensure your child’s safety but there are some things you can do to empower them to protect themselves.

Child Safety Tip #1: Help your child understand danger

The point here isn’t to talk to your kid about all the dangerous things that are out there (I assume you do that already). Rather, it’s about this:

(a) remember that there are benefits to certain “dangers” 

You see, a lot of times, things become dangerous when kids don’t understand them or don’t understand how to handle them. This is actually a problem of lack of experience, and sheltering our children from harm only promotes further harm down the line. Why?

Because kids learn a lot about themselves (their skills and abilities, as well as their weaknesses) when they are able to participate in a broad range of experiences. If we don’t allow them to have these experiences, we deprive them of opportunities to test their limits and develop some of the skills they need to overcome new challenges.

On the other hand, letting our children engage in “dangerous play” helps them learn how certain things impact them and what they need to do to protect themselves.

(b) learn to distinguish what is and is not a “big deal“

This just means that not everything that is scary or could potentially cause an injury needs to be deemed “dangerous” (e.g. climbing a tree), and if we can help our children distinguish between what is truly a cause for concern and what is not, we’ve gone a long way to protecting them. 

Sure, our kids may get hurt or injured climbing trees, but that’s not a reason to stop engaging in certain activities. Rather, we need to teach them how to handle the fall-out of some of these choices in a positive and productive way (not to avoid these choices).

Child Safety Tip #2: Teach your child to be brave

Bravery and courage don’t come naturally to all kids. That’s not to say they cannot slowly build a stash of courage.

Why does courage event matter?

Because making the right choices (the ones that will keep your child safe) often requires a great deal of courage.

Child Safety Tip #3: Help your child find mentors

You are your child’s first mentor, but you will not be the only one (nor the primary one). That mentor will probably be one of your child’s peers (at least until your child is old enough to be more discerning). Yikes!

So, teach your child how to find the right mentor, one that will provide him with support, guidance, and positive feedback once you been so callously removed from this role.

Child Safety Tip #4: Establish a habit of communication with your child

Start developing positive ways of communicating with your child. That means you need to talk, talk, talk. And remember, you’re not talking at your child but with your child.

So, first understand why your kids don’t want to talk to you in the first place. Then help them understand that it’s actually in their best interest to talk to you.

Also, hone your “talking” skills with these strategies (which are actually really good for also teaching your kid how to be an effective negotiator – something that will come in handy when they are in tricky spots).

Child Safety Tip #5: Help your child develop positive self-esteem

Positive self-esteem means that your child believes that he/she is capable of taking care of themselves. Encourage this notion, it’s incredibly powerful!

Praise (when done well) is a great way to do this. So is helping children understand how to identify their unique strengths and how to define their own measure of success.

Sure, you’ll still worry – you’re a parent, after all. But stop staying up at night worrying about all the horrible things that can happen. That’s not going to help you or your kid stay safe. Instead, take my advice and start working on these five tips.

In fact, start today –> go to the park and encourage your child to climb the trees or monkey bars, or have your child help you cook (you can talk about knives and fire and what is dangerous/not).

If you’re stuck for ideas, drop me a comment and I’ll get right back to you!

*(photo courtesy of Martin Gommel)

Want more ideas on raising intelligent, creative and empowered tots? Sign up for some smart parenting tips.

About the Author: Karla Valenti is a writer, blogger, founder and CEO of NiSoSa, and Creative Director for Rock Thoughts. Get more on Facebook, Twitter, G+, or Pinterest.

© Tot Thoughts – smart parenting for smart child development

The post How to Keep Your Kids Safe (without actually being there to protect them) appeared first on Tot Thoughts.

You are a parent so naturally you have some parenting concerns:

• making sure your child doesn’t have low self-esteem
• keeping your child safe
• not being a failure as a parent
• helping your child manage her anger
• motivating your child
• punishing (or not) your child
• praising (or not) your child
• helping your child cope with fear
• making sure your child is progressing appropriately in school
• teasing or bullying

… and more.

Parenting is hard (I don’t need to tell you that) and there are thousands of things (little and big) that keep us up at night.

Well, don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.

Let me clear, I don’t have answers (nobody does), but I have strategies, strategies to help with each and every one of those parenting concerns that you are worried about.

These strategies are designed with two goals in mind: (1) to empower you to solve various parenting concerns and (2) to empower your kids and promote the development of their intelligence and creativity.

How?

Believe it or not, each of these parenting concerns can be tackled by following a few simple steps:

1. Ground yourself/Ground your child: calm your emotions and broaden your perspective so that you are able to think clearly and broadly. Help your child quiet their mind, their body, and their voice so that they too can think clearly and broadly.
2. Talk: talk about what happened, why, how it could have been handled differently, and how this problem can be prevented in the future.  I cannot overemphasize the importance of this point. Get into the habit of talking and get your children into the habit as well. And by talking, I don’t mean idle chatter but thoughtful, critical, and analytical discourse (yes, it’s totally doable with kids).
3. Be consistent and persistent: do this every time you have a problem and make it a habit of communication between you and your child.

Now the strategies I mention above focus on how to do these steps most effectively because every problem is different and requires a somewhat different approach. That’s where I’ve got you covered.

Sign-up now to follow Tot Thoughts (it’s absolutely free and you can always unsubscribe). Over the next few weeks, you’ll receive practical and concise strategies to help you cope with the various problems that keep you up at night.

You’re not interested?!

• You say you read a lot of stuff during the week. How much of it is specifically designed to empower you and empower your kids? Well, Tot Thoughts is. 
• You don’t have time to read long posts. I’m paying good money for some solid copy writing courses because I want to make this work for you. From now on, you’ll see much shorter, concise and informative posts. 
• You already have this parenting stuff figured out. Then please join us! I’d love to hear your strategies and ideas. This is not just about what works for me!
• You want fluffy, funny, quirky posts about silly things that kids do and why they drive parents to alcoholism. Ok, I’m not your gal, but they are: Scary Mommy, the Bloggess (who also has a fantastic blog roll that will send you happily on your way).

Still not sure you want the help?

Contact me! Tell me what you need that you’re not getting. Send me your questions or other parenting concerns.

My door is always open (totthoughts [at] gmail [dot] com) and I will respond. After all, I want you to become empowered. I want your children to become empowered. If I can’t help you do that, I need to know why that is so that I can get back on the right track.

What are you waiting for… sign up!

* (image courtesy of chrisinplymouth)

Want more ideas on raising intelligent, creative and empowered tots? Sign up for some smart parenting tips.

About the Author: Karla Valenti is a writer, blogger, founder and CEO of NiSoSa, and Creative Director for Rock Thoughts. Get more on Facebook, Twitter, G+, or Pinterest.

© Tot Thoughts – smart parenting for smart child development

The post 3 Easy Steps to Tackle the Parenting Woes that Keep You Up at Night appeared first on Tot Thoughts.

So, you know how last week I told you that I thought I had made a huge mistake? Well, I still don’t have an answer to that and I suppose to some extent, time will tell. I appreciated hearing from so many of you and I know that I am not alone in having doubts about what I am doing.

I think, more than anything, what we share is a faltering sense of disempowerment as parents and the issue really is – how do we regain that power?

There are two things you need to do to survive all of your parenting mistakes and fails:

Survival Tip #1: Realize that there are no Right or Wrong solutions to the problems we face as parents.

Problems are either right or wrong for you and your family. Don’t let yourself get swept away by other people’s opinions of your parenting choices. You know as much as the next guy or gal. 

Survival Tip #2: Find solutions to your problems.

Easy right? Actually, yes. The way to do this is twofold: (a) devise (or adopt other people’s) parenting strategies and (b) draw on all of your strength, patience, and courage to keep on keeping on.

Parenting Strategies

The strategies come from sites like Tot Thoughts and other similar resources, from books on child-rearing, from professionals who are trained in working with children, from educators, from other parents, from your own parents, etc.

The strategies are out there, tons of them. It’s your job to sift through them and find ones that suit you. Don’t get lured by promises of quick fixes or guaranteed solutions. That will never happen because raising a child is a continuing work in process, not a problem to solve. That said, listen to suggestions and tips that are offered. Work with them, change them, make them your own, and then try new ones.

Measure your success as a parent not in public (or private) tantrums avoided, but in efforts made to further your parenting goals.

Strength, Patience and Courage

Ok, so you have all of these strategies and now, turn into a superhero.

Wait, what?

You heard me, you must fight for what you believe is right for you and your family, fight in the face of adversity and self-doubt.

• It takes what feels like superhuman strength to keep at it.
• It requires impossible feats of patience and courage.
• You must forge on with little hope of recognition.
• And you must consistently sacrifice yourself for the benefit of others.

I know. Where does an exhausted, underappreciated, overwhelmed parent find strength, patience and courage to be a superhero?

I’d love to say “from the love we feel for our children” but the truth is, we don’t always feel that love (or at least not in sufficient doses to carry us through the battle). No, we get this superhuman strength, patience and courage well… from ourselves, from believing in what we are trying to accomplish as parents.

You see:

• being a super hero is about you and what you think is right. It’s not about what others tell you or how they try to guide you.
• being a super hero is about trusting in your own intelligence, creativity and sense of empowerment.
• being a super hero is about knowing that you face a long and challenging battle but you’re going to do it anyway because it’s important to you.

And that means you owe it to yourself to take a moment and really think about what is actually important to you, what you intend to accomplish as a parent.

Ground yourself, figure out what your goals and objectives are as a parent, and then move forward. Yes, you’ll make mistakes (maybe even huge ones), but you’ll also have great successes. More importantly, you will be able to move beyond those moments of doubt and towards your own empowerment as a parent.

So go out there… you’ll survive your mistakes (and amazingly, so will your children).

As always, I’d love to hear from you! And hey, if you like this post – please share it! 

*(images courtesy of Stuart Bryant)

Want more ideas on raising intelligent, creative and empowered tots? Sign up for some smart parenting tips.

About the Author: Karla Valenti is a writer, blogger, founder and CEO of NiSoSa, and Creative Director for Rock Thoughts. Get more on Facebook, Twitter, G+, or Pinterest.

© Tot Thoughts – smart parenting for smart child development

The post The Two Things you Need to Do to Survive your Parenting Mistakes appeared first on Tot Thoughts.

What do you do when you take a long look at yourself and you decide that a huge parenting mistake has been made?

Well, I can’t help but think that I’ve made a huge mistake…

Here’s the thing, despite all my efforts to the contrary (and believe me, they are mighty), despite all my thinking and strategizing (which you know is extensive), despite all my attempts at raising children who are thoughtful, kind and respectful towards others… despite this all, I can’t help but feel that I have utterly failed.

Why?

You see, I have one very, VERY angry child.

I have a child whose high-pitched screeches rival those of ancient predatory pterodactyls, who hurls furniture (yes) against bedroom walls in fits of rage, who hits, smacks, kicks, punches, and… even spits. Ugh! I have a child who hurls words like knives (and has also hurled knives).

What’s worse, this kind of anger begets more anger which means that at times, I have three children in various stages of utter rage seemingly bent on total destruction.

And I am tired.

Because, you see, I really am trying.

I treat my children with respect, honoring their integrity and autonomy.

I read about different parenting strategies, I have done a lot of research on child development, and I am informed about the various ways in which we educate children.

I am thoughtful about how I interact with them and really think about the best ways to handle the various challenges that arise in their lives (if you’ve been with me the last few years, you know what I am talking about).

And yet… and yet, I can’t help feeling that I am making a big parenting mistake in my attempts to raise intelligent, creative, and empowered tots.

I believe (or at least would like to think) that this anger is a sign of a precocious child whose fury stems from feelings that are a larger than the body that contains these feelings, whose rage is a symptom of unsatisfaction, not with oneself but with one’s inability to be fully who one wants to be.

But is that true? What if I am wrong?

What if I have been mistaken all these years in how I have chosen to raise my kids?
What if I haven’t been strict enough in my disciplining (or worse, what if I’ve been too strict!)?
What if my efforts of empowering my children have overwhelmed them and it turns out that they are, in fact, living in turmoil and distress because I have given them more than they can handle?
What if my assumptions about them being capable of thinking reasonably and creatively are wrong and they feel lost and ungrounded because I am expecting more of them than they are ready (or able) to give?

Is it possible that I have misjudged them (and me), giving them more than their youth can handle?

There are times when we doubt ourselves and that doubt is to be reckoned with, moments when we need to take a long look at ourselves and the choices we’ve settled on, to decide whether a parenting mistake has been made and hurts are to be mended.

Have I made a huge mistake…?

This, my friends, is the truest test of parenting.

(sigh)

K

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The post Have I Made a Huge Mistake? appeared first on Tot Thoughts.

Fortunately, there is an easy fix:

• just sign up on the Tot Thoughts’ home page and you will receive the posts directly to your inbox.
• or follow Tot Thoughts on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest.
• or you can simply sign-up for a monthly Tot Thoughts newsletter.

I hope you’ll do one (or more of these) because really, it would be a shame to loose you!

K

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You know boys? Those messy, dirty rascals that always have holes in their pants and dirt in their hair? The ones that are always climbing trees or jumping off fences, constantly shoving each other or battling when they play at cops, knights, and Jedi fighters? Yeah, I have two of them. And I have just totally stereotyped them.

It’s a terrible thing this… stereotyping. But we do it. All the time.

And here’s why it bothers me: whether we like it or not, the male identity is predominantly intertwined with notions of power, force, strength, and associated with concepts like weapons and violence. 

I don’t like, but I am also not blinded to the reality of the messages that children receive from society about how to be boys.

So, what is one to do?

Well, first of all, think about whether you agree with these messages. If so, then you probably don’t need to read any further.

However, if you think the male identity needs to expand beyond these notions, then the task is to figure out how to provide a counter perspective of the male image to balance out the social stereotype.

I think this is a two-step process:

1. understand and refine your son’s existing notions of male identity
2. add to and enhance your son’s notions of male identity

Step #1 – Understand your son’t existing notions of male identity

Let’s be clear, there is nothing inherently wrong with any of this:

• boys feeling powerful or strong or playing at soldiers or cowboys
• boys rough-housing or even getting into fights
• boys being messy, rambunctious, or climbing trees
• etc…

The point is to understand why they are doing these things and to have an open dialogue about these behaviors.

It may be that boys need to feel that they can stand their own against their peers, that they are equal in strength or power. Perhaps it has to do with the images that our children receive of boys in positions of power, or maybe just a primal need to behave in certain ways.

Whatever the reason (and regardless of whether or not we agree with it), we need to understand where it comes from and talk about the impact that it has on our child and on those with whom our child interacts.

Here are some questions you can use to broach the subject:

• Are there certain behaviors that are specific to boys? How do you know?
• What makes something a boy-behavior?
• Do you behave in these ways?
• How do you feel when you are behaving like this? (note, the point here is not to judge our child but simply to understand the root of these behaviors)
• How do you feel when others behave this way?
• How would you describe “boys”?
• What do boys tend to like or not like? How do you know?
• Do you like/not like the same things?
• How do movies and TV shows portray boys? Do you agree?
• Do boys in real life act the way they do in the movies or on TV?

Step #2 – Enhance your son’s notions of male identity

Teaching boys to be boys is not just about understanding how society defines boys, but of helping them enhance that image with other behaviors.

This, in particular, is critical to ensure positive relationships between boys and among boys and girls.

Why?

Because how boys think of themselves – how they shape their own identity – affects how they interact with others. For instance, if boys think they need to be powerful or forceful in their interactions, then that is what they’ll do (leading to a host of challenging and often hurtful interactions).

So here are some things to talk about:

• What does being powerful or strong mean? How do we show that we are powerful and strong?
• Does being powerful or strong mean that we need to hurt others?
• Are there ways of being powerful that do not entail hurting others?
• How are boys and girls different?
• Are there things that boys like that girls do not (and vice versa)? What makes you think that?
• What kind of behaviors would you use to describe girls? What makes you think these are girl behaviors?
• Can these behaviors apply to boys? Why or why not?
• What “girl” behaviors do you like and why?
• How would your life be different if you adopted some of the “girl” behaviors?

Keep in mind that we are trying to teach our children to grow beyond the images that society has created for them. This means that we cannot ignore the existing stereotypes for boys and girls, we cannot act like boys and girls are treated the same.

Rather, we need to raise awareness of these differences and where they come from, we need to discuss whether we agree with them or not, and we need to help our boys understand the effect that these stereotypes have on them and girls, and the relationships between them.

Most importantly, we need to help our boys understand that they are bigger than the male image that society has imposed on them. We need to liberate them from being defined as forceful or gun-happy and show them that they can be equally boyish without the stereotypical boy behaviors.

I know that you don’t like stereotypes.

I don’t either, because they disempower the individual. My sons are not a type (despite exhibiting certain behaviors shared by other members of their gender) and neither are yours.

So let’s do something about.

And the best thing we can do to break away from these notions is to raise informed boys (and girls) and teach them to expand beyond of these stereotypes. 

So tell your friends, tell your family, and let’s start bringing about some change (if only one son at a time).

Want more ideas on raising intelligent, creative and empowered tots? Sign up for some smart parenting tips.

About the Author: Karla Valenti is a writer, blogger, founder and CEO of NiSoSa, and Creative Director for Rock Thoughts. Get more on Facebook, Twitter, G+, or Pinterest.

© Tot Thoughts – smart parenting for smart child development

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Value exchange is the idea that you are receiving something of value and in exchange, you give something of value. This “value” need not be monetary; rather, it’s a barter system where we “pay” for what we get with other ideas, with support, with connections, with help, etc.

The art of asking is simply that, being able to ask those who receive value from you to give you value in exchange. It’s about asking others to show their support, their appreciation, to let you know that you have somehow, in some small (or large way), made their life better.

Doesn’t that sound a bit like pandering for votes?

Yes… and that’s why it’s so hard for us to do. Because we don’t want to sound like we’re asking people to like us. Sure, we want people to like us, but we don’t want to have to beg for their appreciation.

The thing is, value exchange is not about popularity or getting 1,000,000 likes on Facebook; rather, it’s about being honest with yourself and others about what you bring to the table. It’s about having the courage to ask others to engage with your contribution and to give you a way to engage with them in return. It’s about a relationship of two parties, not the adulation of one.

And so today, I am drawing on my courage to ask you for some help. Don’t worry, I’m not asking for money, I’m not asking you to buy anything. What I need from you is something you can (although you need not) freely and easily give: share, talk, follow.

But first…

What value do I bring to you?

My goal in writing this blog is twofold:

1. to empower you.
2. to empower your children.

I write to give you tips, resources, strategies, and ideas that will hopefully help you feel better able to handle the challenges that parenting throws your (and your child’s) way.

Am I right in everything I say? Of course not, but I believe in everything I write, I test out my own strategies and share with you my failings and challenges, I propose alternative ways of addressing common problems, and I try to at least give you something new to think about. I take these posts very seriously and I spend a great deal of time thinking about and writing them.

But I don’t even know you or your children, so why should I care so much?

Because I want to live in a world where my peers are smart, independent, and empowered individuals, people who challenge me to think and grow. I want the same for my kids. For this to work, we all have to chip in… and this is my contribution.

So here’s the thing, if you find that my posts add any value to your life (even if it means that I said something that rubbed you the wrong way – but at least it got you thinking), then I would like to ask for you to give me something in exchange: engage with my ideas.

How?

Share, Talk, Follow

Here’s my ask –> do one (or more) things under each category: one Share, one Talk, and one Follow. That’s it.

SHARE

• share your favorite posts (I’ve made it super easy, all you need to do is click on your choice social media icon at the end of each post and spread the word).
• share your thoughts on the strategies that work for you or those that don’t.
• share your own ideas, tips, and strategies, drop me a line or leave a comment*.

FOLLOW

• follow Tot Thoughts on Facebook.
• follow Tot Thoughts on Twitter.
• follow Tot Thoughts on Pinterest.
• follow the Smart Parenting community on Goggle+.
• sign up for the monthly newsletter.

TALK

• talk to your friends about these strategies.
• talk to each other about what you think.
• talk to me what works or not, what you love and hate, or even how I rubbed you the wrong way! (totthoughts [at] gmail [dot] com).

I leave you with a parting thought by Seth Godin, “the worst feedback is indifference.”

I know you are not indifferent, I know you care. I am simply asking you to engage with my words and tell me how they matter to you.

* I know most people don’t like to share their thoughts because they are afraid of being “heckled,” they don’t know what to say, they are worried that others will disagree them, they don’t agree with what they’ve read, or they do agree and don’t have much to add. 

Let me put your mind at ease: I monitor all comments and there is no heckling allowed; you don’t need to say anything earth-shattering, but I truly value your opinion;  people may disagree with you, but that’s ok because none of us really know what we’re doing and disagreements are a really good way for us to better understand what we’re up against; I certainly don’t pretend to have all the answers and disagreements are a great way for me to better understand what I’m trying to accomplish; even if you agree with my strategies, your situation is different from mine and it is immensely valuable for me to understand how my ideas work for you.  

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

About the Author: Karla Valenti blogs about parenting on Tot Thoughts, is founder and CEO of NiSoSa (developing resources to empower children through creativity), Creative Director for Rock Thoughts (a global art and collaborative storytelling initiative), and does creative writing as herself and as Nico, a fictional character and host of Nico Knows (creative writing for kids).

© Tot Thoughts – smart parenting for smart child development

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